I have chosen to share three of my very old but very special poems with you as part of Kelly-Ann Maddox’s Self-Love September. I am not going to explain any of the poems, but I will include the year and my age at the time of writing them, leaving you to gather your own thoughts on why I felt they were relevant for this month and how they relate to self love in my eyes. I hope you enjoy them.
HEART OF STEEL
2006, age 22
Emotions are a waste of time, they should be disallowed
Emotions cause so much pain, your judgement they will cloud
Emotions make a person numb, they make a person cry
What is the point in shedding tears when a loved one dies?
Will it bring a person back, will it make things right?
Stop your pointless crying everyday and every night!
I’ve taught my heart to listen when I tell it to be brave
I can’t comfort you whilst you cry over a grave
I took my heart out of my chest and pierced it with a spear
I burnt it in the fireplace, goodbye love and fear
I let you have a go and you ripped it all apart
I have a fully functional mind, who needs a stupid heart?
That’s why I can’t sympathise, that’s why I don’t care
You have a friend who’s dying? Oh well, how’s my hair?
Do I have a strand which is always out of place?
Does the colour I am using compliment my face?
What do you think of my new dress, hmmm do I look fat?
What about accessories, do I need a scarf or hat?
My heart begins to beat, can’t stop it anymore
My eyes begin to water, what is this all about?
Is the pigment in my black heart slowly running out?
I look into the mirror and I feel like such a fool
I tell myself this isn’t real, I’m heartless, I am cruel
I reach into my soul and dig out the beating brick
“Why are you going soft on me? Heart, you make me sick!”
I pierce another hole in it and I begin to see
By hurting what I need to live I’m only hurting me
I scurry all around to find some heart to fill the hole
But my heart is half gone now, and with it went some soul
I tried filling with flowers, I tried using some stone
I even tried some cookie dough, I even tried some bone
I melted down a knife that once had pierced my heart
I poured the substance, filled the hole, before it fell apart
Now sometimes I’m as cold as ice, now sometimes I feel
I’m left with half a heart of gold, and half a heart of steel
2000, age 16
As I looked out of the window, an Angel was standing there
The tears were streaming down her face, I couldn’t help but stare
I looked deep into her eyes, as she looked into mine
I tried to reassure her, I said everything would be fine
I saw her legs getting weak as she fell to the ground
I called for someone to come and help but there was no one else around
She bought her hands up to her face to wipe the tears away
This Angel was used to crying, she cried almost every day
She had so many secrets that no one ever knew
The constant continuous crying, the pain she was going through
All she wanted was happiness, just like all her friends
What did this Angel do to deserve pain that never ends?
She wished for someone special, someone to call her own
Someone who would listen, and talk to her on the phone
His arms around her holding tight, holding her so near
To tell her everything’s okay, and wipe away her tears
The Angel pulled out a necklace, one that belonged to her dad
She held it tightly in her hands and tried not to be sad
“Take me with you, papa please” the Angel said out loud
“I want to be in heaven like you, and fly high with the clouds”
The Angel stood up and the tears came back again
She looked right into my eyes and I could feel her pain
I looked a little closer, but wait how could this be?
It was a mirror not a window, and that Angel is me…
2006, age 22
I’m sorry I’m not pretty, don’t have a perfect waist
I’m sorry I’m not flawless, I’m just a disgrace
I’m sorry I’m not full bred, I’m sorry I have class
I’m sorry I have big boobs, instead of a big ass
I’m sorry I’m not beautiful, not even slightly sweet
I’m sorry I’m too fat for you even though I never eat
I’m sorry I have brown eyes, I’m sorry I’m 5’ 3”
I’m sorry I have long nails, I’m sorry that’s just me
I’m sorry I’m not perfect, I’m sorry others are
I’m sorry my best friend is my little blue sports car
I’m sorry I’m intelligent, I’m sorry I’ve got game
I’m sorry you prefer the girls who haven’t got a brain
I’m sorry that I contemplate, I’m sorry I don’t trust
I’m sorry I’m suspicious, but for me it’s a must
I’m sorry I hate small talk, to me it’s full of shit
I’m sorry you can’t fathom my reasons behind it
I’m sorry I put on a front that’s always rude to you
I’m sorry if I hurt you but you always hurt me too
I’m sorry I’m so sensitive, I’m sorry I’m so weak
I’m sorry I’ve been strong enough, I’ve surpassed my peak
I’m sorry you don’t love me, I’m sorry you must lie
I’m sorry I have noticed, I’m sorry that I cry
I’m sorry I’m not a princess, I’m a soldier can’t you see
I’m sorry for being Angel, I’m sorry for being me